February 15th, 1730
Hereford Household, Kent, England
The sky was still the shade of grey that comes before dawn when I slipped silently out of bed. The fire had gone out and the wood floor felt cold against my bare feet. I walked across the room towards the fireplace and sat down in the intricately carved wooden chair placed by the hearth. My eyes traveled to the few glowing embers that stood out against the dull ash and soot in the fireplace. I noticed a book with an ornate scarlet binding left askew on the floor and picked it up. Opening to a random page, I stared at the lines of words, but I felt so distracted that I couldn’t concentrate long enough to read a whole sentence. It didn’t matter; I wasn’t in the mood to read anyway. I lay the book back down soundlessly and returned my gaze to the ashes, my chin in my hand.
I felt a frustrating mix of emotions toying with my mind; sadness, excitement, nervousness, and a few others that I cannot name for lack of words. Today I would leave my uncle’s estate with my cousin for the last time. We were leaving for a slightly better home; the home of a count, my husband elect. Elizabeth was marrying the count’s brother, Charles. How excited I was when I learned that I would not have to leave Elizabeth, who was like a sister to me. Elizabeth, however seemed rather nervous about leaving.
For what seemed like an eternity I sat staring into the fireplace. Finally sunlight began to show through the gap between the thick curtains which veiled my window. I heard a faint knock.
“Miss Hereford?” called a voice, muffled by the large wooden door.
“Come in,” I called back. A stout maid entered carrying a long yellow gown. Elizabeth came in behind her, already dressed in a pale green gown. The maid glanced over at me.
“You are up early. Thinking about your journey, are you?”
I did not believe that such a question should warrant a response, so I stayed silent and held my gaze. The maid walked over to the curtains and pulled them aside, letting in the radiant sunlight. I was not yet accustomed to the light. I squinted and held my hand over my eyes.
“Come, Miss, Lord Robert waits for you downstairs. You must get dressed.”
Reluctantly, I stood up from the chair and walked over to the maid, who handed me a nicely folded pile of clothes. I drifted behind my changing curtain, pulled a shift over my head, and slipped on two petticoats. Then I put my arms through a pair of stays and the maid tugged hard on the lacings in the back until it became difficult for me to breath.
Over all of this went the extravagant yellow gown. It was the most beautiful gown I’d ever had, with white ruffles on the sleeves and the front of the bodice and a flowered embroidery pattern. The maid combed my hair and pulled it up into an elaborate bun which she tied with white ribbons, leaving two ringlets hanging by my temples. Finally, Elizabeth handed me a white fan decorated with little green flowers. She stood next to me and we stared at our reflections in the mirror. We were the same height and had the same chocolate brown hair and fair complexion. Her eyes were a light brown while mine were a deep blue. Our dresses were quite similar, but hers was light green. I could see faint traces of the abundant freckles that had covered my face as a child, but they were hardly noticeable anymore. We smiled at our reflections, but did not speak for nerves.
“Thank you,” I said to the maid.
“It was my pleasure, Miss Hereford.” She smiled at me before curtsying and heading out the door. I looked at Elizabeth, who turned and threw her arms around me.
“I can’t believe we’re leaving. We’ve spent our entire lives here,” she said into my shoulder with an air of disbelief.
“But we’ll be together.”
“Yes,” she said, “I thank God for that.”
We stood at the doorway with our arms around each other for another minute, and then I pulled back. Elizabeth paused.
“What do you think it’ll be like being married? I’ve never thought about it much.”
“I can’t say. I’ve always thought that I would feel different after being married…” I trailed off, recalling childhood dreams.
“In what way?” Elizabeth asked.
“I don’t know… Just different.”
Elizabeth looked thoughtful, “I’ve heard that Penshurst is beautiful. I think I’ll enjoy living there.”
I smiled. Elizabeth always seemed so blithe and carefree. She was the opposite of me in that way. It made me feel peaceful to be around her.
“Are you ready?” I asked. She waited, thinking.
“Yes.”
We descended the grand stairs to the first floor to find Lords Robert and Charles Carre, our husbands elect, waiting for us at the base of the staircase. They smiled up at us cheerfully. My eyes were fixed on Lord Robert, the count. He had the most wonderful smile I had ever seen. His striking, emerald green eyes twinkled as he watched me climb down the stairs.
Almost a month ago I turned fifteen, and there I was walking down the stairs to greet a man that in a year or so would be my husband. I walked slowly, almost wondering if it were all a dream. When I reached the base of the stairs, Robert took my hand and bowed deeply.
“Miss Hereford,” was all he said.
“Lord Robert,” I breathed, and sank into a low curtsy. “How do you do?”
“I am well, thank you,” he said, a bit awkwardly. I suppose he must have been nervous as well. “You are taller,” he remarked.
“Yes, well it has been a year, sir. I was but fourteen when we met last,” I replied. Robert smiled; I amused him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More to come...
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140,903 Literary Works • 673,707 Reviews
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love how the words flow, they are not choppy at all. I loved how you described everything also. I did not find manu errors. Following that, you describe the character's very well too. Superb story
AGREED
Sorry this took a while to get to. I've been really busy lately, but I'm on vacation now. (:
Since it's the beginning you don't need to put the separator, and I'm a little confused about why there's who places and dates.I don't like that last sentence, I don't think it's needed.
I would put the "Elizebeth looked thoughtful." line before when she starts talking. I just think it would flow better.
Wow, this was really eloquently written. I loved the wording of it. It's realistic with the dialogue. You did a really good job with this. I'm interested to read more when you have it. Sorry this isn't really constructive.
Hey, Winter! I've re-read this again, and I don't think there's much wrong with it. I'll go through and check just in case.
OVERALL: So far it is wonderful. I'm really liking the storyline, excluding the marriage part. I just want to know Emma's personal feelings on the subject. I know marriage wasn't exactly an intimate thing back then, but Emma seems smart and independent, so I want to know what she thinks of it. She seems to like Robert, which it good.
Anyway, I like it a lot. PM me when chapter 2 is up, 'kay?
~Sunny
Hehehe!
Ahh... Thanks, Winter. 
Have fun with the editiing.
Oh thank you! You've been most helpful! I think a prologue would be the best solution. I'll get working on that.
Again, thank you so much!
-Winter
http://laddfamily.com/Files/Epidemics.htm
Ha! Found it!
Nationwide, in 1732, Influenza was the epidemic. So, Emma's father likely died of it. But look through that list. Really interesting stuff. And, LaddFamily.com is the site of my ancestors.
Ah. That clears everything up.
I'm not sure how you'd slip into the story but I definitely agree you should show us about the childbirth, the death of her mother and father. Small pox is a wonderful element to include too. Actually, I think scarlet fever might have been an issue. I'll have to check. Too many epidemics, ya know? Sheesh.
Maybe a Prologue would best suffice the current situation? Then readers will understand Emma's situation.It's worth a shot in experimenting. If that doesn't pan out, then you'll have to try and work in the details. I think dialogue would be your best bet or you could have Emma regaling while in narration.
I'll be back. I must retrieve something for you.
Thanks for clarifying! Hmmm... I guess Emma does act rather unnatural. However there are a few crucial details not mentioned in this part of the story. I was going to add them later because I didn't want to dump all of the information in this short part.
If you don't mind me giving the story away, here's the information that was left out:
[spoiler] When Emma was really young (about two) her mother died in childbirth. The child died as well, so Emma does not have any siblings. Her father was struck with grief and soon died in an epidemic of... some sort of disease common in 1730 England. Smallpox? Anyway, she then moved in with her Aunt and Uncle; Elizabeth's parents. That's where she's lived ever since. So the house she's in right now isn't really her birth home, which is why she's not that attached too it.
Also, Lord Robert and Lord Charles aren't really strangers to Emma and Elizabeth. They've known each other for a while, but they're not super close. They like each other enough to agree to get married, even though their parents arranged it.
[/spoiler]
I've added most of that information in the second part of the story, so I hope that clears it up a bit. Do you think I should mention it in the first part so readers aren't so confused?
Thanks again!
-Winter
Grr... I hate it when you've accidently backtracked on this forum and all your text gets erased! Really, really frustrating. It's one of the kinks I dislike about YWS. Anyway...
Yes, I was thinking about Elizebeth, but now that I've re-read, I'm still not so sure about Emma. I got this vibe in the first paragraph.*
I re-read the story and obviously I misinterpetated a few things. Goes to show I should never read late at night, then review.
Emma acts, to me, unsure. She's up before dawn, staring at embers, uninterested in reading the book and she admits her mood is in poor spirits. In fact, the negeative emotions outweigh any positive: Sadness and nervousness. You say she's leave for a "slightly" better one, but what is wrong with the current household Emma is living in now, and more importantly, if you say she's so excited, why is she feeling sadness? If it were me, even though I was to be married to say, a Prince, I would certaintly feel attached to my birth home. Nerves would outweigh any "excitement" greatly.
It's just Emma acts unnaturally. She's too willing to go dancing off with a complete and utter stranger that she hardly knows. I wouldn't. In fact, I'd create such a fuss. Who cares about royality? What's wealth if you have to leave the ones you love? Family? She'll have her cousin, but what about Emma's siblings? Does she have any? Parents? Where are they?
That's what I meant by pruning Emma's character. There's so many unanswered questions.
Hope I clarified. If not, feel free to PM me.
Thanks for reviewing everyone!
Samuel Garrison, I think you may be a bit confused. Or perhaps it is I who is confused. You say that Emma is keen on staying home. What exactly made you think that Emma wanted to stay? It was Elizabeth who said "I can’t believe we’re leaving. We’ve spent our entire lives here." Maybe you meant Elizabeth? Also, what part of the story made you think that Emma was attached to her servant? I was hoping that she would seem unemotional towards her. Maybe I should use different words or descriptions.
Emma and Elizabeth do come from a wealthy family. You are right; I am lacking description in that area. I did add a couple things but I don't know how much good they'll do. I'll try to add more in the next part.
Again, thank you so much for reviewing! I really appreciate your critiques.
-Winter
Wow! I do enjoy your writing style and especially your choices of words. It was clear you took some time in deciding the flow of sentences, what words to choice and when. Certaintly shows in sentence structure.
Characters
You knew this was coming, yes?
Well, hmm... I don't know. It's all - setting, the mood, and courtship - very interesting. For one, you've clearly chosen not to dump the characters traits and smother us with needless information - and the decesion with your setup so to speak, works very nicely. In other words, to simplify my reasoning, the characters are mysterious.
We know Emma's age, which is nice, and most definitely given the period and such, she certaintly acts the part. She's overly distracted, distressed and keen on staying at home. Likewise, Emma is attached to her servant.
I do have one nitpick. It's not clear in the storyline if Emma hails from poverty or a well to do family. I thought she might be fairly wealthy since she's about to wed a lord but lack of details makes it unclear.
The solution would be to use description as Emma is sitting on the chair by the hearth. Try showing us the different objects that might be astray or littered around the room. Perhaps she gazes around somewhat bemused or she just does it for the sake of distracting her mind before she picks up the book.
Elizabeth's character needs some pruning. Might I suggest to include a few details about her so we the readers might understand her motives more thoroughly?
As for Robert, he only makes his enterence very briefly towards the end, so it's not imparative that you dump info but show us something interesting about him. He seems polite and well mannered, maybe a little awkward but is the wedlock really intriguing to Robert or is it all for sport?
That's all I have for now. I'm thrilled that the setting is the early part of the 1700s. I'm very intrigued and major kudos on grammar and spelling. I spotted no mistakes.
Thank you for the wonderful read.
Cheers!
I love how the words flow, they are not choppy at all. I loved how you described everything also. I did not find manu errors. Following that, you describe the character's very well too. Superb story.
Hello Winter! I have seen you around but had yet to speak to you. But here I am! Love your name, by the way! Anywhoo, I shall go ahead and be the nitpicky one. Bear with me, dear! But I do love historical fiction, so don't expect my review to be all that bad!
This line kind of bugs me... I mean, does one pick up a random book expecting it to be useful? Can't one just read for pleasure and not for use? Perhaps just reword it, like maybe "It didn't matter. The book was surely no use to me and I was in no mood for reading."
I really like this line because I know exactly how it feels, but you do not go one to say just what these emotions are. We can probably infer one emotion is nervousness because she would be soon getting married. Perhaps excitement that she will be with her cousin. But what else? Two emotions hardly seem like a frustration mix.
That's a bit of a mouthful. Try rephrasing, perhaps?
“You are up early. Thinking about your journey, are you?” I did not believe that such a question should warrant a response, so I stayed silent and held my gaze.I would suggest making the "I did not believe..." sentence a new paragraph. I think it would help the flow.
Lovely description! Short and sweet. Concise. I like it.
Little bit of an info dump there. It kind of disrupts the flow. I would think about maybe just cutting it out and leaving it for the next part of the story. Perhaps do not tell us it, but kind of hint at it. Show us that they do not know each other particularly well, but cleverly describe how they met. Perhaps have him mention "You are all the more beautiful than the last time I saw you" and then her say "Surely I have grown up since you've last seen me, sir. I was only but fourteen." Of course, keep the dialogue true the the characters.
Anyway, enough for the nitpicks! Let us move on!
Characters: I must agree with Daughterofthemoon that the characters are all very robotic. I do not feel any attachment to any of them because there's not much put out there for me to like. Is Elizabeth sweet, nice, gentle? What about Emma Hereford? Is she stong and independant? Shy? Is Robert quite the charmer? Kind-hearted? Mysterious! Readers want to know these things! But remember, show us through their actions. Do not tell it to us like it's a textbook!
Descriptions: You generally have vivid imagery and it's easy to imagine things. But some of your descriptions sound a little cliched. Try and rephrase them in a way that's more original.
Overall: Overall, your story was wonderful! I know I seem harsh, but truly, it is very good. You seem very informed about the period you are working with! You do not sound ignorant of it, which is often a mistake in historical fiction. The many in which they speak is very accurate. Also, for you being thirteen, this is incredible! I know that sounds weird coming from me, since I am also thirteen, but you have a very mature way of writing. I respect you for it!
Hope we can chat sometime!
-Holly
Thanks for reviewing! I changed some of the story around and I fixed a couple of other things. I'm trying to decide what should happen next... I'm not totally sure what the plot line is yet.
I also might change Elizabeth's name because it's a bit cliché. Or at least I think it's cliché, but that's just me.
Anyway, thanks again!
-Winter
Characters:
Also I think that you could describe your MC more.
When reading this story, your character seemed a bit robotic. There was really no emotion to them. Nothing that makes me attached to them, or feel sympathy. I want to feel something for this character when you say that she has been orphaned. Explain Elizabeth some more also. You introduce Elizabeth to the reader as the one who helped out your MC. We only know that they two are the same age and that she helped... in what way exactly, ther reader doesn't know. Hopefully you will come back to Elizabeth, and not leave her neglected. Because she seems as if she was a big part in your MCs life. Don't have your characters there for just one scene and drop them...you shouldn't do that, it isn't nice.
Descriptions:
Well, I know that I only have a sketcht picture in my mind how everything is. There isn't enough description in your story. Don't get me wrong, you don't want to bore the reader with lengthy, listy, adjetives for the surroundings. Just let us know more how the people look and such. Give the reader an image. You also tell of things and bam, its over. Add some more description in everything.
Grammar and Punctuation:
I see that you mostly have the grammar and punctuation down. I didn't see any major mistakes in your writing. But I may have overlooked a few.
Other Nitpicks:
The first thing that I picked up on as I was reading your story was that you used a bunch of I's. In your first paragraph I noticed that a majority of you sentances started with I. You can change this by varying your sentance structure. I also think that you could extend the story more with descriptions.
Storyline:
So far the story is going okay, but it really isn't begging me to read the next post. Stay away from cliches, when you write. Don't make this another damsel in distress that doesn't know her husband and is forced to marry him ad she escapes with someone that she wants to be with forever and blah blah blah. Not to say that you are doing this, its just a warning.
Keep up the writing, after all, practice makes perfect. The best of wishes,
~Alyss
Hey(:
I'm Kirsten and I shall be your reviewer for today.
I really enjoyed this, it had a good flow and worked well.
As Angel said, it flowed well and was interesting.
I definitely think you could stretch it out. Describe her emotions when her parents died. Make us feel sorry for her, we need to empathise and feel for your characters. Use some imagery to paint the scenes.
Anyway, I need to eat now or I may just die
I shall come back and give a better critique later. xD
Hey there!
I don't think we've met before but I'm Angel of Death but everyone just calls me Angel and I absolutely love stories like this, but anyways on with the critique!
I loved this! Sorry if this is not really a critique but I like the way you write, it flows but yet it's elegant. And what a lovely way to end this, so yes, I'm glad you said that there is more to come, because I would have cried. You could easily turn this into a novel if you stretched out the events that Miss Hereford were speaking of, just a thought though. PM me, please, when you post the next part. I wish you all the best on continuing this, because this has loads of potential and keep writing.
~Angel